Dealing With Your New In-laws
Written by Donna Tyler

• In-laws are people related to you by marriage. They are also people who are considered part of the family.

• Trouble with your in-laws is usually a sign that you and your spouse need to build a stronger family unit on your own. That has to come before anything else.

• When you say your in-laws drive you crazy, what you're really dealing with are the personalities of the people involved. Often, the roles we play are scripted for us long before we arrive on the scene. These are often the roles we assume in childhood and play into adulthood, polishing and perfecting them whether they fit our current situation or not.

• Realize that you can't change someone else; you can only change yourself. Start building better relationships with your in-laws by recognizing your role in the conflict.

• Think of your in-laws as a potential resource to expand your support network. You can accomplish this by approaching your in-laws the same way you would any potential friend. Respect them, be interested in them, and listen to them.

• Host a formal event to meet the in-laws. Serve food that you have cooked with your own hands.

• Recognize that all in-laws bring their emotional baggage to the wedding preparations and ceremony. This colors their actions and reactions.

• Clashes with your mother-in-law may actually intensify as you get older. A newly married young woman may not be very confident about her own opinions, and if she has a mother-in-law who says things ought to be done this way, it's harder to challenge her. But by the time a woman is middle-aged, she's normally a well-established adult who has her own strong opinions and feels more confident. As a result, she's more likely to confront her mother-in-law head-on. Ouch.

• This problem works both ways: A daughter-in-law may be crowding her mother-in-law by making too many demands on her time. This is especially true when the daughter-in-law has lost her own mother or prefers her mother-in-law to her own mother.

• Analyze the cause of the strife with your mother-in-law. What does she do that drives you 'round the bend? (And don't forget your role in the conflict.)

• Husbands raised by single mothers may have an especially difficult time forging a satisfactory relationship with their father-in-law because they often don't have a clear idea what to expect from a "father figure."

• Sons- and daughters-in-law sometimes hold back their affection for their father-in-law out of fear they'll betray their own fathers. However, a father-in-law can often be a second opportunity for love by offering you guidance you could never get from your own father.

• Odds are good that your in-laws are going to have a radically different cultural background .